So instead of studying for exams like I should be, I'm on facebook.
My life is so average.

I have lost all motivation to keep trying. Why even bother anymore?
I wanted to leave high school knowing I was good at something, knowing I may be someone people would turn to when they had a question in a particular subject. I felt as though that could be chemistry, but why try now? I do not excel in any subject. I am simply like the rest of the people, maybe slightly above average. I won't be recognized for anything, no one will remember me. I am not the smart one, the funny one, the jock, the cheerleader, the popular one. I am simply another body, another waste of space at this school. Why try anymore? I won't be recognized for my work. Why care? Nothing will come out of any of this. I'll always be an average person. I'll always be the person in the corner no one notices. Once I am gone, no one will remember me. No one at all.

I feel more sensitive today, more sensitive to physical pain, emotional pain. I know it's just the uterus talking, but I can't help it. Sometimes I wish I could be a brick wall, unaffected by hormones, words, actions, strong and stable.

I haven't written here for about 3 months now simply because I've been too busy and didn't feel the need to. I am not saying that today I feel as though I need to vent, I am simply in a lot of pain and cannot concentrate on never-ending amount of work I need to do. My uterus feels as though its on fire, as if someone is stabing needles into it, wringing it out like a towel. I've never been in so much painl; it is unbearable. The only person who would be able to take my mind off the pain is sleeping right now.

Amit, thank you for everything you have done for me. When I first saw you walk into advanced functions, I was excited to have a class with Ufus. You were that random quiet kid I wanted to befriend. After talking to you, I came to realize you were kind, and gentle. Within a few months, I became attached to you. You had this effect on me and all I wanted to do was get to know you better, and hope to God you would want to one day spend time with me.

Of course I wasn't always happy during that time. I felt hopeless, lost and confused. I relied on others for advice, while some said I should give up, others told me to keep my head up high. I never thought this would ever happen. I never thought you would reciprocate the feelings, but I am glad you did.

The last 5 months (well, 4.75 months) have been amazing. I have never felt this way about anyone before. You make me want to be a better person. Although we are upset at times, it is only expected. I love you, Amit. Thank you fo everything you have done for me.




---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, people have begun to irritate me. There are some people I just cannot stand.



- Katherine

!@#$%^Y&UJHGFDW@#$%^!


I hate myself.

Third post today, something isn't right.

If only I could put all my thoughts on paper (or in this case, in one post)...

Here are a few things bothering me right now:
1. Chemistry -> Quiz friday and functional groups are screwing with my mind, do you go by the longest chain? FAAAAAACK
I need to ask someone.
2. Biology-> Same crap.
3. English-> Fuck you, Zeitgeist. Really, fuck you.
4. Calculus-> Who the fuck cares about form?! Fuck.
5. Unnecessary drama-> If you don't like drama, then ignore them! You are not obligated to respond, did that ever cross your mind?
6. How do you feel? I know I said that it didn't bother me, but hell its hard when I don't know. I really appreciate the fact that you're trying, but I really hope something comes up soon because I'm not sure whether you say the things you say because you truly mean them or because that's what the typical boyfriend should say. I'm almost 93.25% positive that you say them because you mean them, but if you can't really feel then how could you say those things? It's hard for me to understand, sorry...

Stop apologizing. I understand you don't know how to express yourself.
Although I often wish you did, there's nothing I could do about it and I accept that.

I don't really know what to say.
I'm very unsure about everything...

Today wasn't necessarily a bad day, it was just different.

Well I was going to write a happy post until you called me dumb for not seeing that I am pretty.

Dry.





I just don't see it, I'm sorry. It'll take me some time to get used to the compliments.
I do not think you're lying, I think you are simply stating your opinion. I, personally, do not see it .
Every once in a while, I do feel pretty and maybe, with some time, I'll feel pretty all the time.

I had a strange dream last night.
I was at home with a certain someone.
We were in the basement, being all normal
And suddenly, I took off my clothes.
Within a few minutes,
My dad came home and said it was time for me to go to work.
I don't know how, but I left the house without my clothes and only my jacket.
I was panicking and ended up finding a shirt in my purse.

I went to work without pants.

Typical Katherine dream.

My ongoing quest for self satisfaction

Every few months, I get bored of myself. I need to change something, and it usually ends up being my hair. I am planning on growing my hair right now, but first I need a haircut that grow out nicely.
Here's what I'm considering:





I know the last picture is a cartoon, but I like it.

___________________


Wow, these girls on Teen Mom are so dumb. This adolescent has a baby girl and she says, "I do what I want, I don't care". If you want to be a normal teen and go out, DON'T GET PREGNANT.

I know it's awfully silly to say, but I still do not know how you feel. Like you said yesterday, we are so close yet so distant. I know I make you happy and I know you enjoy being around me, but are you sure you feel emotionally connected to me? I'm not going to lie, not knowing how you feel makes me feel insecure. We are able to tell each other stories about our childhood, things that bother us, little things we wouldn't tell other people. We are also able to cuddle for hours, but why is it that we're not able to tell each other how we feel? I have not felt this way about a person in a while and not knowing how you feel frightens me. I am not a person who opens up easily, it is hard for me to do so because I am afraid of being hurt. Last time I opened up to a person and let them in, I was hurt. (lol sorry, I was just watching tv and I completely lost my train of thought)
Not knowing how you feel, it's hard...
I don't think I'll be able to fully open up to you or accept how I feel with ease until I know how you feel...

As for school, fuck english. !@#$%^&

The long awaited happy post:

Well, I have no idea why the last few posts were so dark. We made it one month, could you believe that?! I never expected this to happen, I'm still in shock. I could not begin to tell you how happy you make me. Words cannot describe how you make me feel! Damn you and your adorable little jew waves and big, puppy-dog eyes.
Hopefully I'll be able to tell you how I feel soon, instead of writing in this damn blog.

I still cannot believe I teared yesterday, guess I'm just a little baby.

OH! On a side note, I got accepted to western's biomed! woohoo!

Let's pray I end with a 90% average for the $2000 scholarship! AH

Well exams are finally over, and 2nd semester is quickly approaching.

I only write in my blog when I am feeling emotional and cannot express how I feel to any particular person. A few people have this link, however I have no idea whether they read this blog or not. If you are reading this now, hi?

I am very tense, uneasy, worried. I cannot help but feel as though I did something to upset you. I know this may be silly, but usually you are a bit more chatty and if you are quiet, you are at least closer to me. Yesterday, you seemed quite distant for some time... I couldn't bring myself to tell you exactly why I was asking you if you were alright. Usually, you hold me but yesterday, things were different. I am not saying that we must always hold eachother, don't get me wrong. I found it very strange. Sometimes I ask myself whether you truly wanted to be in a relationship or whether you're happy in this relationship because all I want is for you to be happy. Maybe I'm just over-thinking things, maybe I should just relax but to do so, I need you to tell me how you're feeling. I need you to tell me in person, not just on messenger. You are quite different on msn and in person. On msn, you say things you normally don't say in person...


Goddamn Michelle, getting in my head with her "everything a guy says is a lie". !@#$%!@#$%^&^%$#@

I know you are a sweet and kind person, probably the sweetest person I know. I know you wouldn't say those things is they weren't true, but I have also realized you would never say those things if we weren't in a relationship. We would have never been together if you didn't come over that day. We probably wouldn't have been together if I didn't say anything.

I am really happy I am with you but I don't want you to be unhappy. Seeing you puts a smile upon my face. If I ever do anything that bothers you, tell me. I might be a little upset but I'd rather know about it so I can work on it.



Holy shit, what a long post.

I cried last night, thinking of how I may have offended you.
The thought of making you anything but happy is eating away at me.
I really hope you feel better soon, whether it is my fault or not.
I simply cannot stand the thought of you in such a state of mind.
I care about you more than you could ever imagine, and I would never want to do anything to hurt you.